Dreams, Revelation and wanting to be Special.

Last night I had an interesting dream. I went back in time about ten years, but kept the knowledge of everything that I had done within those years. What I learned was that the whole “I’d do it all again!” is really not for me. Imagine how boring that would be. In fact, I feel it might be some kind of hell to have to relive the past. Imagine constantly thinking if this was the same thing you did before.

Anyway, within the dream I had a conversation with a friend of mine who I haven’t spoken to in years. It started as a conversation we actually had, a few months after an incident which ended in him giving me a totally unfair black eye. While it was a big enough deal for me for a few days back in the day, we had sorted it out and resolved it. I certainly wouldn’t have thought it was that much of an important incident for me to be dreaming about it years later. The conversation went more or less the same other than we seemed to say things much more intimately than we had done in “real life”.

After we had this revised dream conversation, which included a walk around a strange town, I felt a HUGE weight lifted from me and I spent a bit of time in a very happy and relaxed plane, where my awareness of self seemed to be much wider than normal. I remember thinking (knowing?) that this was important.

Of course, this is dream territory, so it is as likely that it means something more than the surface images and sounds. Perhaps my friend is just a symbol of something larger. Perhaps it represents all the times I feel I was treated unfairly or unjustly. I dunno…yet. I do know that something happened.Something fell…

Before I slept I was having a sort of meditation on life. I am, as previously stated here, going through some sort of change in my life direction, which as yet isn’t totally clear to me, but in the meantime I am working of trying to get to the root of some of my ideas. The one I was working ion last night was: Why do I want to be the best at whatever it is I am doing?

Not to bore you with descriptions of answers that resulted in me asking “but why?” over and over again to myself for hours, I’ll skip to the end revelation. The final why was answered with “Because I want to be special”. I realised that I never really felt like I was accepted by other people. Some part of me seen a separation between me and THEM. There was all the other people on earth and then me, and I wasn’tallowed to the big table.

In anything I tried, people were always better than me – Music, art, sports, intelligence, bad moods. What I discovered is that some part of me believes that if I am the best at something, then people will have to recognise that and accept me, bow down to my greatness, see that I am special, not average, not discounted, not unworthy, not outcast…special. One of you. I’ll get to the big table.I wonder if my general hatred of humanity is more the hatred of someone who feels scorned. Probably. It all to easy to see that my hatred of humanity is actual hatred at myself for not being good enough. Oh god, how boringly normal and predictable I am. How Not Special.

The revelation and the dream seem to be connected in some way, but as yet I don’t know how. What I do know is that change is in the air and for once I am not afraid of it.