So, here we are week 2 of The Star Ruby Challenge – and what a week it was. Well, parts of it were very truly amazing while the rest was… extremely distressing.
But before we get into all that its probably best to set the scene. Spud and I, and a number of other people, have decided to set ourselves a challenge of doing a STAR RUBY (or equivalent) ritual every day for 30 days to see what happens. You can see my other posts about it HERE and HERE, or get Spud’s side of things HERE.
Now, let’s see what happened in week two… I had noted last week, that after doing the Star Ruby my meditations were much deeper than they have probably ever been and this continued for the first few days of this week too.
This may, as suggested to me by B’Naut have something to do with the state of centring or grounding that the ritual may be giving me. I also do the Lamp Prayer before my meditation so this too would have to be considered as a factor. I assume though that it is a combination of a number of things – Bindings, Star Rubies, the Magia Practices themselves, accumulation of previous practices etc.
I also had noticed that I am now looking forward to meditation, which is a very new experience for me. I usually feel its a chore – a pain in the hole, or something like homework, and therefore endeavour to avoid it as much as possible. But over the last week, I have had the desire to do it a number of times a day – I think I did it twice most days and three times on Monday. However, I feel this may in fact be a sign of State Chasing – more on that in a bit.
On Friday the 9 of October 2020, I achieved Knowledge and Conversation of The Holy Guardian Angel…again?
The again bit was as much a surprise as was the fact that it happened at all.
But before we get to that, I need to put this experience in some context.
I also want to mention before we begin that I am going to be leaving some details out, as I am still unsure what is appropriate to share and what isn’t. I want to be as open as I can about my Magic experiences here on AIWW, but I also want to play the game correctly, so to speak.
THE FAKE FONZIE
A recent Binding I have been working on showed me a role I play whereby I play out a sort of “Fake Fonzie” where I act like all cool about something I am really not cool about at all. It appears as a reaction to two things for the most part, but not limited to these:
- When someone is seemingly dangling an achievement over me as a power move – “I have something you want”, or
- When I just can’t seem to get something that is seemingly easy for other people to achieve.
The result is that I do a Fake Fonzie, or I pretend to be cool about not having it and then proceed to act like I didn’t want it in the first place. Add in a bit of seasoning of “it isn’t really that important to me” and you can get the idea.
The big problem with this role is that I end up believing myself and start to actually think I don’t care about whatever it is the drama is revolving around. I very much did this to my extreme detriment around creating music, and I have certainly played this out in my comic career – less so in my more general art career as I seemed to have retreated into a one-man niche where no one can dangle anything over me.
A nasty side of this role is that there can usually an attempt to diminish the success of the other person too – not only do I not think your achievement isn’t a big deal, but you also shouldn’t either! You thinking it has actual value makes you an idiot.
Its an attempt to elevate me above the successful person by trying to switch the dynamics, or somehow gain the higher moral ground- I can’t have what you want so I am going to ruin it for both of us!
Its shitty, shitty behaviour. Childish too.
The annoying thing was that I thought I’d sorted it out. I thought I have successfully completed the Binding in that I felt I had found its real name and bound the evil genius. I thought its power over me was gone.
But, sadly, I played the starring role of Fake Fonzie once again – and worst of all I didn’t even know I had done it until a few hours later. Usually, when you get a Binding right you are able to recognise the role arising and so, then you don’t act it out.
Obviously I was missing something.
The incident in question was innocuous enough. Spud and I were talking about stuff, as we do, and he mentioned that one of the goals of all this for me must be to achieve Knowledge and Conversation of The Holy Guardian angel – a feat he had achieved a few months back. My response was something along the lines of:
“I don’t really care, it’ll happen when it happens – it’s not that big of a deal”.
Now, as I said it, I was not lying. I genuinely believed I believed this. I wasn’t aware I was being dishonest.
But some time later that evening I had the sudden realisation that it was me being good auld Fake Fonzie again.
This realisation was accompanied by an emotion heaviness in my gut that made sure I was paying attention. It’s like something really heavy dropped within me – I did care about the attainment of the K+CHGA, in fact, it was a huge deal for me. I had just convinced myself years ago that it wasn’t because I couldn’t achieve it.
Ahhh, fuck it… here we go again. Insert meme in 3…2…1…
LET’S GO BACK A FEW YEARS
When I first read The Baptist Head Trilogy I was all about trying to achieve the K+CHGA. It was an obvious goal. It was the goal of the Great Work after all – or at least some sources claimed so. Achieving it would also fulfil the “Becoming Invincible” prerequisite from The Chaos Protocols, which is definitely something I have desired, but never also never attained.
It appears to be the thing to achieve, magically speaking. No great Wizard was without their Holy Daimon. So, I set off to achieve it.
I was, and maybe still am, a Chaos Magician, so I immediately discounted the year and a half long Magical Retirement AKA the Abramelin Working – besides even Crowley couldn’t be bothered to finish it, and things worked out fine for him in the HGA department – more or less.
I found a video of Alan Chapman talking about a simple and effective method of attaining the KCHGA. It is based, or inspired by, Thomas Keating’s Centring Prayer method. In a meditative state you say the following phrase:
I consent to the Knowledge and Conversation of The Holy Guardian Angel
You then repeat it to bring back your focus if the mind wanders.
And I did this… for months. And seemingly nothing happened. This would have been around August 2015.
Over the next few years, I tried again a few times, using different methods, with again seemingly no results. You can even see me try to do it in some of the AIWW videos a few years ago. I talk about an ET “Teddy Bear” that I have had since I was a small child (he’s sitting in front of me on my desk as I type) and how he seems to be connected to my “Spirit Guide”.
Duncan Barford talks about a very similar feeling connection he had with a yellow piece of glass on his childhood front door. When I first read that in The Blood of the Saints I instantly recognised it as the exact same feeling I get from my ET.
Also, when I did the Rune Soup Journeying Course back when it came out, I noted in my Magical Diary that there was a sense of the “Spirit Guide” being female, and again, connected to the teddy bear in that she had always been with me.
The sense of absolute unconditional love I get from that cuddly toy is unquestionable – a being who wants nothing more than for me to be safe and happy. It does, however, come with a huge underlying sense of deep, truly heartbreaking sorrow – like a screaming abandoned and confused child who just wants to go home.
So, as far as I was concerned, my K+CHGA working was a bust – just some vague notions that easily could be dismissed. Not actual “Knowledge” and nowhere close to becoming invincible.
So, back to last Friday evening.
It was around 5 pm and I was finishing up my work for the day. I had a spare half hour so I thought I would do another meditation. I had been pretty much doing the Fire Practice exclusively, but I thought I’d kick back and try a Beloved practice instead. I dunno, it just felt like it might be a bit more relaxing or something. Again, I will apologise for being a bit cryptic with the details here – some of it just doesn’t feel appropriate to share. Perhaps I will at a later date.
I got deep very, very quickly. And then it happened.
Just like a Matrix-style download, the name of my HGA, the Sigil, and two correspondences appeared in front of me. It felt exactly like something slotting into place.
I was very quickly aware that I had already known the name and the correspondences. Not in a sort of wishy-washy “in some ways I have always known” – no, in a very real sense I was given these before and ignored them. The sigil was new (as far as I can recall anyway) and the spelling of the name was different (Maybe, I had decided on the spelling the last time as I had only heard the name, so it was probably my mistake).
I am unsure exactly when the first KCHGA happened other than it was previous to 2013. I know this because there is a reference to the HGA name in my comic THEM – not the actual name, but enough for me to know that I knew the real name at least back then.
So, that’s at least 7 years ago.
When I finished the meditation I then had a night of sync, after sync, after sync. At one point I even looked up the name in a Gematria calculator (I have no idea why – I never do this) and it came out as 93 – which I had a good chuckle at.
So much stuff just unfolded and started to make sense in front of my eyes with regard to the HGA and its role and presence in my life. Everything was in order. This was it – It actually happened. I had achieved Knowledge and Conversation of The Holy Guardian Angel.
The experience was the exact same experience I had heard and read about from other people who had achieved it. If their stories and experiences are true, then mine (as a direct reflection of them) must also be true. The K+CHGA is either a real phenomena describe by countless people and I have achieved it – or it’s not real and therefore no one has. Either way that “thing” that people talk about when they say they have achieved K+CHGA – real or not – is the exact same “thing” that happened me.
The question then is: Why did I discount it when it originally happened? Why did I forget it? Why did I not put it all together sooner? The pieces I was shown all fit together so perfectly – so obviously, that it hard to understand why I didn’t understand it when it first happened.
To be honest, I am not fully sure – though I do have a guess.
MAYBE I JUST DON’T BELIEVE IN MAGIC
I have mentioned MAP on some of the youtube videos previously and I feel the HGA story really starts there.
I won’t go into too much detail as this is a long-ass post as it is but sufficed to say it involves contacting a spirit team and then having a communication. The communication is mostly done through muscle testing, or at least that’s how I did it. I really wanted MAP to work, and it did seem to work at times, but “The Method of Science” was always with me, even before I was aware of that expression.
I tested, tested, tested.
I asked my team questions to see if they were able to tell me things that I was unaware of, that I have no knowledge of, and even to predict the future. All of this was to see if it was my mind playing tricks on me. If “my team” could accurately tell me something I was unaware of but that I could later verify then it had to be legit.
They could not.
In fact, they seemed to give answers that were worse than if I just guessed.
My suspicion is that when my first HGA chat happened back sometime in 2013 where they revealed their name and who they were – I just didn’t believe it as I was jaded from previous experiences – along with a bit of feeling “too good to be true”, and a bit sick of people telling me over the years about my “Spirit Guides” that never made any sense to me or seemed to reveal anything.
For instance, I have been told that Gandalf, an Elk, and a lion are my Spirit Guide on separate occasions. I have also been given the name Scenica, Saara, ETTS, and probably others I have forgotten.
This time is different because of what happened after the contact.
The syncs, the things falling into place, the understanding of how these things all fit together, the correct spelling of the name, the sigil, the correspondences – none of that happened previously.
But mostly, it just feels different.
The last times it was just closer to me making it up or hoping it was real. Wishing it was real, but secretly not really even believing in magic as it just didn’t seem to work for me in the way others claimed it did for them.
SO WHAT NOW?
Well, as quick as it arrived it was gone. After the first day, I have had no more contact.
This what starting to really get to me, as you can read from my diary below – I hit some real low points in the subsequent days. Some state chasing in there of course, but that’s not it.
The Star Ruby is moving through me and throwing up all sorts of notions and I have decided that I am going to stare them right in the fucking face rather than running away in despair. What that means, however, is that I stand facing them in despair instead – but at least now I know exactly what I am looking at.
I did a divination last night using the Forty, asking why it’s all gone quiet – and I got a very clear answer!
This quietness is a natural part of the process – it is unavoidable. Just keep doing what you are doing and aim to not take it to heart. It’s just part of the way things are.
And as its only two weeks into this 30 Day Challenge, I can only try to recognise and appreciate this middle position I find myself for what it is – halfway through a journey that’s true destination is only revealed once it’s completed.
Here’s my Star Ruby and Meditation Diaries for this week.
DAY 7 07/10/2020
STAR RUBY 15:05 Really got into this one, it seemed full of energy, particularly the Pan sections where I had a lovely time visualising a forest scene. I really felt like the NOX signs made sense and I did them fully. Same for the calling the Guardians section. All in all the best experience of The Star Ruby to date
MEDITATION FIRE 25 MINS Lots of interruptions from the outside world to the point that I felt antagonised by it. Tried my best just to sit with the sensation of the seething anger in my body which was located over my heart area. Eventually, it started to feel like it was like a vine growing out of me and then it changes to like a dried mushroom stalk or a deep root of a tree. Was quite distinct for a good few seconds and then the whole thing just disappeared again. Gave up before the timer went off.
DAY 8 08/10/2020
STAR RUBY 14:35 Really good one, got into it and got all the words and actions correct. Felt powerful
MEDITATION FIRE 30 MINS B’Naut made an interesting point to me about the reason why The Star Ruby might be effecting my meditation practice positively is that I usually don’t take the time to centre myself before meditation. I usually just jump into it from whatever work or whatever I am doing. The fact of doing the SR first means I am more in the zone by the time I lie down to practice. This seems quite likely. Very pleasant and deep – and enjoyable – meditation today. I almost got to the third stage but not quite. I was making far too much effort to get it. Found it hard to just burn.
DAY 9 09/10/2020
STAR RUBY 13:50 Good. Not the best, but felt like I achieved the necessary state.
MEDITATION FIRE 30 MINS Totally forgot to put my timer on for this but managed to still pretty much hit 30 minutes on the button. One problem I am noticing, and I notice this every time I keep a record of my meditation is that I start to wonder about what I will write in my report as I am doing the meditation. I am waiting for something to happen so that I can write about it or have something to write about. Its more lust fro result, and state chasing.
BELOVED 30 MINS Seems I have been an idiot – which I guess isn’t shocking news. I have attained K+CHGA…again 🙂The again bit is why I am an idiot. It probably first happened years ago and I didn’t believe it, or just discounted it, or something similar. Clear as day during this Practice I got the name, the sigil, the colour attribution, the scent to use and immediately, like coins all falling into the correct slot, I knew I already knew all this. Not a sort of mystical “In the back of my mind I always knew this” – no an actual thing of I was really given this before and I just didn’t accept it. Like, I actually use the name (spelt differently – I was given a different spelling this time) in one of my comics in the exact context of it being my divine self. Then, all evening I am getting crazy syncs around it all. LIKE CRAZY SYNCS! Loads of stuff that just seems so obvious now, that for whatever reason I just didn’t see or didn’t want to see. I even did a Gematria on the new spelling of the name that was given to me and of course, it comes out as 93. A huge part of me is still just being totally sceptical, but the other half is having too many syncs to not believe it.
DAY 10 10/10/2020
STAR RUBY 12:20 Went well, felt powerful. I felt centred. Did it without shoes which is something I will do from now on as it seems more grounded. The Star Ruby is beginning to do me, rather than me do it.
MEDITATION BELOVED 30 MINS Although it was most likely that I was state chasing after yesterdays experience I did manage to get pretty deep and a low bliss state. Felt like lots of things were happening in the background, lots of connects being made, quick but important insights shown – mostly around how things all connect how it is best to just let this all unfold as it would be very easier to try to make it what I think it is rather than what it actually is. Not to be too concerned with appearances or working out exact natures, genders, analogues etc. Just stayed with the feeling in my chest and at one point I disappeared but as soon as I noticed I came back. Felt like a hand on my chest pushing in as if to block a leak.
DAY 11 11/10/2020
STAR RUBY 11:00 I noticed I was pronouncing a few words wrong when I went back to my notes, and the adjustment today did seem to have an impact on the ritual. It definitely feels like something is happening as I do it.
MEDITATION BELOVED 30 MINS Very quickly I was faced with a particularly embarrassing scene from my very early childhood which sort of set the tone for the entire practice. The scene relates to a Binding I am working on and maybe the origin scene – though may not. The whole thing felt depressing, and there was a sense of dread or well… sadness – that things were about to get worse. It’s that whole sense I carry with me all the time of mourning, loss, punishment, going to get worse, etc. At one point a very clear and seemingly external voice (external to me, not my head) said “It’s not working” which panicked me a bit as I got the sense that something I love was going to be taken from me. This is usually the point around which I run away, as it always appears that I am being warned or told when I start this sort of work that things are going to get worse, but for my own good – like an authority figure that is in charge of me is disappointed in me and is going to take away something from me to teach me a lesson/ to show what life is really like/ cos I don’t deserve it. It is the sense that what I have been doing is morally wrong in some way and now its time for me to have my comeuppance. Or I have run out of time, wasted time, and now its time to face my…. I dunno. “You’ve hard your chance, and you wasted it. Now you have to do the painful mundane thing that you were trying to avoid as punishment. You wasted your opportunity – squandered it. Now you have to have the shit life you were meant to have, know your place.” I always run from this, but I’m really going to try not to this time, I’m just going to sit with it and see it for what it really is. That said, I am left with a sense of depression, and hopelessness.
DAY 12 12/10/2020
STAR RUBY 13:45 Nothing really to report other than it felt like it “happened” and there is a lot going on in my life to suggest that the ritual is having a powerful effect on my life.
MEDITATION BELOVED 30 MINS Very frustrating. Felt like I never got going – I was being constantly distracted and got nowhere near “the zone” I tried to just sit with the frustration but I just kept drifting off. Did have a few visions – one of the nails been fired at me and one in particular going into my neck. It all felt like I was in a horror Tv show. Then I had a sensation like I was dropping down and down lower and lower. Whole thing just left me feeling pissed off. Two further sessions later in the day both went nowhere and felt defeated and frustrated afterwards
DAY 13 13/10/2020
STAR RUBY 15:10 Good. In the swing of things with it now. Though my meditation practice has gone to the dogs
MEDITATION FIRE 20 MINS Meditation has slumped big time. Feels utterly pointless. Just keep zoning out, get lost in thought. Feelings of defeat, frustration and what’s the point? Try to just look at the emotion but I last moments before I’m back lost in thought. Feel like I have been teased.
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